I've known for a long time that I'm my toughest critic. Growing up it wasn't my parents pushing me to take every AP class offered or to get immaculate grades, it was me. I couldn't stand to get less than a 100%. I definitely inherited my dad's passion for perfection. And though I've come to terms with the fact that it's neither possible nor desirable to be perfect, mine is still the voice that puts me down and questions my (almost) every move.
The support I've received over the past couple of weeks for deciding to tackle medical school has been incredible. I feel so much more empowered just knowing that people believe in me and are willing to support me (even if deep down they think I'm just the teensiest bit crazy :)). Yet, despite all of this support, I still find myself questioning my decision, beating myself up for not remembering everything there is to know about Organic Chemistry (I mean I only took it 7 years ago), and falling into the 'I can't do this' trap. In the same breath (and at the risk of sounding like I have multiple personalities), I'm starting to notice a stronger, more positive voice fight for center stage.
I think a couple of things are at play. First, I am definitely not the same person I was when I graduated college five years ago. It's unbelievable how much we grow and change after graduation. I think, most importantly, I've learned to distinguish between what matters and what doesn't. In the past it seemed everything would ruffle my feathers but now I've learned to let go of those things that don't serve me and make more room for what is important. Moreover, what is important to me has changed drastically. Five years ago I would have been absolutely devastated had I not been accepted to Northwestern's medical school. There's even a chance I would have written off medical school. Now, granted I do want to go to a respectable medical school, I don't have to go to the top school because I believe we have the power to make the most of every situation, which I plan to do wherever I end up. Second, I can't tell you how many times I think back to the kind words, the encouraging notes, and the outpouring of support whenever the Negative Nancy in me takes over. And, finally, I'm beginning to believe in myself and my ability to be successful in this journey. I know the going is going to be tough but the more I tell myself I can do it, the more I know I will do it.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Bikram, a hospital, a cavewoman, and a doctor!
I know, it's been a long while since my last post. And, I can't lie, quite a bit has happened since April 16 - some of it good, some of it not so good, and some of it pretty darn exciting. I took my first Bikram yoga class - lock your knees!; I spent two weeks in the ICU praying for my dad to get better - thankfully, he is doing much better; I took on my first Paleo Challenge - yay grass-fed beef!; and I decided I am going to be a doctor - hello, life-changing decision.
First things first, how about that Bikram yoga class? A friend of mine invited me to go with him and I figured I probably wouldn't go without a friend so I figured why not. Let me start by saying that I am definitely pitta-dominant (for those unfamiliar with the doshas, I already have a lot of internal heat without a 100+ degree room!). When we first walked into the studio, I remained optimistic as I watched people of all sizes and ages completely drenched intheir sweat (whose sweat was whose was questionable at the end of class) walk out of the studio. I paid for my class and a towel (wasn't so sure what to do with the bath-sized towel until we got into the studio - it was definitely necessary) and proceeded to find a spot in the studio. I completely forgot (or did I ever know?) that first-time students are NOT allowed in the front row (more than one person reminded me of this fact). So, unfortunately, I lost my spot by the window and wound up right in front of a heater - awesome. Despite being accosted about the placement of my mat, I kept an open mind. Class began and the sweat began to pour.
Rather than go into all the gory details I thought I'd outline my experience:
- I could not stand the fact that the teacher kept saying 'Lock your knees'. One because you shouldn't lock your knees (give your knee joint some love!) and two because she kept repeating it in this sing-song voice.
- I could not believe I managed to place myself right in front of that darn heater. Stupid, stupid, stupid me.
- I was thankful for the bath-sized towel which I learned I was supposed to put on my mat - my hot pink top was so soaked it was bleeding onto the towel.
- Bikram reminded me to focus on my breath. I was fully willing to take savasana if needed, however, I realized if I focused on my breath, I was able to stay calm and deal with the heat and get through the entire sequence (it also gave me something other than the instructor's voice on which to focus).
- I was rewarded with some of the most delicious, home-made kombucha. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have imbibed that directly following class but I made up for it with two full Nalgenes of water.
I'm glad I tried it because I can say I've done it now. Did I go back? No. I missed the variety of a flow class and it just wasn't for me. Clearly, it is for some people though, that class was packed and I always see a line outside the building on my way to my CrossFit gym. To each, her own :).
Shortly after my one and only run in with Bikram, my dad was admitted to the Cardiac ICU. It was two of the scariest, most challenging weeks of my life. Now that I think about it, it's kind of funny that he was admitted to the Cardiac ICU considering all of his issues, his heart was the least of his worries. My dad is a doctor (go figure) who failed to take care of himself. That's the long and short of it. They say it takes hitting rock bottom for people with addictions or bad habits to make a necessary life change. My dad's bad habit was not taking care of himself. The man who had never taken an antibiotic in his life is now on a laundry list of medications. Thankfully, however, he's adamant about taking his medications and, though he should probably be walking around more and doing more spirometry, he is taking better care of himself and getting stronger every day.
A few weeks after my dad was discharged from the hospital, I decided to tackle a Paleo Challenge offered at my CrossFit gym. I don't necessarily have weight to lose - I'm an athletic build and always will be (my mom says I got the Seubold thighs meaning they're nice and muscular), but I've been wanting to find something that would hold me and my eating accountable. This fit the bill. I managed to talk my mom into it as well and together we spent the last four weeks eating like cavewomen. Signing on to this challenge meant giving up grains, dairy, sugar, soy, most root vegetables, and anything and everything processed. It was hard. BUT it was worth it. I had my final body comp yesterday and I lost 8 pounds, an inch in every measurement, and I had a huge decrease in body fat. It felt pretty awesome slipping into a pair of shorts from my senior year of college and looking pretty darn good if I do say so myself. In addition to the physical improvements, I have more energy, am eating more responsibly (grass-fed beef, seasonal veggies, and wild fish? yes please!), and haven't had a tummy ache in weeks. In fact, I enjoyed the challenge so much, I'm officially becoming a modern cavewoman (believe it or not, my mom is along for the ride, too)!
And, finally, I've decided I want to be a doctor. I know you're all probably thinking I made the decision because of my experience with my dad but in all honesty, I made the decision and signed up for my MCAT class a week before my dad was admitted. Ever since I was little I wanted to be a doctor. I was pre-med in college but it came time for graduation and I wasn't ready to devote another 4-7 years to school. And I think there was a part of me that wasn't sure I could do it. But I've grown a lot in the past 5 years and I can say with confidence this is what I want to do. I want to share with others my passion for wellness and health and, as simple as it may be, I want to help people. I haven't shared this with a lot of people because I know most will look at me like I'm crazy. Who in her right mind wants to study for the MCAT while working full-time and then spend the next 4-7 years accumulating more debt than I care to think about? Me. Sure, I have my doubts. I've lived well the past couple of years and know this is going to be a huge change, but I'm ready, willing, and excited to make the necessary sacrifices. To steal from the White Sox, I'm all in.
Now you know what bikram, a hospital, a cavewoman, and a doctor all have in common. They've kept me busy over the past couple of months and taught me that's is okay to try something new and not love it; that incredibly trying situations do make us stronger; that eating to fuel your body is not so bad after all; and that it's never too late to make a life change.
First things first, how about that Bikram yoga class? A friend of mine invited me to go with him and I figured I probably wouldn't go without a friend so I figured why not. Let me start by saying that I am definitely pitta-dominant (for those unfamiliar with the doshas, I already have a lot of internal heat without a 100+ degree room!). When we first walked into the studio, I remained optimistic as I watched people of all sizes and ages completely drenched in
Rather than go into all the gory details I thought I'd outline my experience:
- I could not stand the fact that the teacher kept saying 'Lock your knees'. One because you shouldn't lock your knees (give your knee joint some love!) and two because she kept repeating it in this sing-song voice.
- I could not believe I managed to place myself right in front of that darn heater. Stupid, stupid, stupid me.
- I was thankful for the bath-sized towel which I learned I was supposed to put on my mat - my hot pink top was so soaked it was bleeding onto the towel.
- Bikram reminded me to focus on my breath. I was fully willing to take savasana if needed, however, I realized if I focused on my breath, I was able to stay calm and deal with the heat and get through the entire sequence (it also gave me something other than the instructor's voice on which to focus).
- I was rewarded with some of the most delicious, home-made kombucha. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have imbibed that directly following class but I made up for it with two full Nalgenes of water.
I'm glad I tried it because I can say I've done it now. Did I go back? No. I missed the variety of a flow class and it just wasn't for me. Clearly, it is for some people though, that class was packed and I always see a line outside the building on my way to my CrossFit gym. To each, her own :).
Shortly after my one and only run in with Bikram, my dad was admitted to the Cardiac ICU. It was two of the scariest, most challenging weeks of my life. Now that I think about it, it's kind of funny that he was admitted to the Cardiac ICU considering all of his issues, his heart was the least of his worries. My dad is a doctor (go figure) who failed to take care of himself. That's the long and short of it. They say it takes hitting rock bottom for people with addictions or bad habits to make a necessary life change. My dad's bad habit was not taking care of himself. The man who had never taken an antibiotic in his life is now on a laundry list of medications. Thankfully, however, he's adamant about taking his medications and, though he should probably be walking around more and doing more spirometry, he is taking better care of himself and getting stronger every day.
A few weeks after my dad was discharged from the hospital, I decided to tackle a Paleo Challenge offered at my CrossFit gym. I don't necessarily have weight to lose - I'm an athletic build and always will be (my mom says I got the Seubold thighs meaning they're nice and muscular), but I've been wanting to find something that would hold me and my eating accountable. This fit the bill. I managed to talk my mom into it as well and together we spent the last four weeks eating like cavewomen. Signing on to this challenge meant giving up grains, dairy, sugar, soy, most root vegetables, and anything and everything processed. It was hard. BUT it was worth it. I had my final body comp yesterday and I lost 8 pounds, an inch in every measurement, and I had a huge decrease in body fat. It felt pretty awesome slipping into a pair of shorts from my senior year of college and looking pretty darn good if I do say so myself. In addition to the physical improvements, I have more energy, am eating more responsibly (grass-fed beef, seasonal veggies, and wild fish? yes please!), and haven't had a tummy ache in weeks. In fact, I enjoyed the challenge so much, I'm officially becoming a modern cavewoman (believe it or not, my mom is along for the ride, too)!
And, finally, I've decided I want to be a doctor. I know you're all probably thinking I made the decision because of my experience with my dad but in all honesty, I made the decision and signed up for my MCAT class a week before my dad was admitted. Ever since I was little I wanted to be a doctor. I was pre-med in college but it came time for graduation and I wasn't ready to devote another 4-7 years to school. And I think there was a part of me that wasn't sure I could do it. But I've grown a lot in the past 5 years and I can say with confidence this is what I want to do. I want to share with others my passion for wellness and health and, as simple as it may be, I want to help people. I haven't shared this with a lot of people because I know most will look at me like I'm crazy. Who in her right mind wants to study for the MCAT while working full-time and then spend the next 4-7 years accumulating more debt than I care to think about? Me. Sure, I have my doubts. I've lived well the past couple of years and know this is going to be a huge change, but I'm ready, willing, and excited to make the necessary sacrifices. To steal from the White Sox, I'm all in.
Now you know what bikram, a hospital, a cavewoman, and a doctor all have in common. They've kept me busy over the past couple of months and taught me that's is okay to try something new and not love it; that incredibly trying situations do make us stronger; that eating to fuel your body is not so bad after all; and that it's never too late to make a life change.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
The Quiet of Morning
For my birthday my mom presented me with a five-year journal. Each day the journal poses a different question allowing me to essentially watch myself change and grow over the years. I decided what better time to begin than on my 27th birthday?
The other day (April 14) it asked, "What is your favorite thing to do on a Sunday morning?". At first I thought my answer would be getting and enjoying a cup of coffee, but I've decided to read each question in the morning and then fill in my answer just before going to bed. I don't make a point of thinking about my answer all day, I just let it linger in my mind throughout the day.
And what I realized by the end of day Thursday is what I actually love most about Sunday mornings (at least this year :)) is the morning. I love waking up before most everyone else, opening the sliding door to my balcony (winter, summer, spring, or fall) to get a breath of fresh air, finding a comfy spot (be it my couch or a spot at a coffee shop), and spending the rest of the morning reading or writing. And if I can find a cup of good coffee or a spot of tea, then even better :). This quiet time for myself is a beautiful thing and I'm thankful for the calm routine I've created for myself.
The other day (April 14) it asked, "What is your favorite thing to do on a Sunday morning?". At first I thought my answer would be getting and enjoying a cup of coffee, but I've decided to read each question in the morning and then fill in my answer just before going to bed. I don't make a point of thinking about my answer all day, I just let it linger in my mind throughout the day.
And what I realized by the end of day Thursday is what I actually love most about Sunday mornings (at least this year :)) is the morning. I love waking up before most everyone else, opening the sliding door to my balcony (winter, summer, spring, or fall) to get a breath of fresh air, finding a comfy spot (be it my couch or a spot at a coffee shop), and spending the rest of the morning reading or writing. And if I can find a cup of good coffee or a spot of tea, then even better :). This quiet time for myself is a beautiful thing and I'm thankful for the calm routine I've created for myself.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
I want to be a ______ when I grow up.
Sometimes I wonder if I will have an answer to this question. Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful to have a job that is challenging and keeps me busy, two things that are important to me in a job, but I'm fairly certain it isn't what I want to be when I 'grow up'. If I've learned anything over the past 4 years, it's that I need and want to work with people directly. I love interacting with people face-to-face be they team members or customers. And I want something that allows me to be up and moving. I am not a fan of sitting behind a desk and computer all day. If I've gotten anything right thus far, it's being in healthcare. I know I want to stay in this field, it's just a question of as what?
I don't know if this happened (or is happening) to any of you but I feel a lot of pressure to do, to be something, someone big. I think this is largely due to where I went for undergrad. A lot of the things I think about seem too mediocre. When I write that here it seems silly. The only thing that really matters is finding something you love, something that moves you to be the best possible version of yourself, and something that keeps you coming back because if you have to do it 8 hours/5 days a week it better be something that inspires you.
I always joke that my parents got me into this conundrum - they always believed in me and my every dream (I've wanted to be everything from the researcher who discovered the cure for cancer to the first woman president) and never once told me I had to follow a particular path (other than going to college). And so here I was in college majoring in Political Science and French while completing all the pre-med courses. I was all over the board loving every minute of it because I have an insatiable thirst for knowledge. And then graduation came and most of my friends knew exactly what they wanted to do and here I was without the foggiest (other than knowing I wasn't ready to dive right back into school).
I'm thankful for all of my experiences up to this point. Each opportunity has taught me something new about myself - that I love to give presentations (something I never thought I would say), that I love Excel and OneNote to the point I use them in my personal life (nerd-alert), that I'm a freaking fast typist (though whenever I have to type in front of an audience I always make mistakes :)), that not everyone is going to like you but you can usually figure out a way to work with that person, and that I still have a lot to learn when it comes to managing other people (but I'm working on it). And I'm hoping all of these lessons can help me excel in whatever it is I decide to be when I grow up.
I think what I'm most scared of is starting over. I'd be lying if I said a certain quality of life wasn't important to me and it scares me to think about going back to being a poor student. But I guess you figure out how to make it work and there must be some sense of excitement and peace knowing you've found something that excites and challenges you. So, I'm going to work on getting over my fear of starting anew, and I'm going to continue to 'lurk' as my friend calls it - recognizing what's important to me and what moves me and maybe, just maybe, figuring out what I want to be when I grow up.
I don't know if this happened (or is happening) to any of you but I feel a lot of pressure to do, to be something, someone big. I think this is largely due to where I went for undergrad. A lot of the things I think about seem too mediocre. When I write that here it seems silly. The only thing that really matters is finding something you love, something that moves you to be the best possible version of yourself, and something that keeps you coming back because if you have to do it 8 hours/5 days a week it better be something that inspires you.
I always joke that my parents got me into this conundrum - they always believed in me and my every dream (I've wanted to be everything from the researcher who discovered the cure for cancer to the first woman president) and never once told me I had to follow a particular path (other than going to college). And so here I was in college majoring in Political Science and French while completing all the pre-med courses. I was all over the board loving every minute of it because I have an insatiable thirst for knowledge. And then graduation came and most of my friends knew exactly what they wanted to do and here I was without the foggiest (other than knowing I wasn't ready to dive right back into school).
I'm thankful for all of my experiences up to this point. Each opportunity has taught me something new about myself - that I love to give presentations (something I never thought I would say), that I love Excel and OneNote to the point I use them in my personal life (nerd-alert), that I'm a freaking fast typist (though whenever I have to type in front of an audience I always make mistakes :)), that not everyone is going to like you but you can usually figure out a way to work with that person, and that I still have a lot to learn when it comes to managing other people (but I'm working on it). And I'm hoping all of these lessons can help me excel in whatever it is I decide to be when I grow up.
I think what I'm most scared of is starting over. I'd be lying if I said a certain quality of life wasn't important to me and it scares me to think about going back to being a poor student. But I guess you figure out how to make it work and there must be some sense of excitement and peace knowing you've found something that excites and challenges you. So, I'm going to work on getting over my fear of starting anew, and I'm going to continue to 'lurk' as my friend calls it - recognizing what's important to me and what moves me and maybe, just maybe, figuring out what I want to be when I grow up.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
A CrossFitting Yogini
For the past year I thought in order to be a 'real' yogini I had to focus only on yoga. However, over the past couple of weeks (months now, I guess), I've realized I've really missed the other activities I used to enjoy - dance classes, running, and CrossFit to name a few. And so I've spent the past couple of months reconnecting with each of these activities and what I've come to discover is I had it all wrong. To practice yoga isn't to only practice yoga, it's to approach each activity and situation with a mindset similar to that when I'm on my yoga mat, taking care to listen to my body and honor what I learn from it, or in yoga-speak practicing satya, or truthfulness.
Early last year I started CrossFit and I did it for a few months but I stopped in the early summer months because I just felt like I was getting hurt more than I was actually benefiting from the workouts. I was essentially approaching each workout completely opposite of how I approach my yoga mat - I was piling on weight even when I knew my body wasn't ready for it (in yoga terms, I was way, way past my edge) because I'm a competitive person and I wanted to be right there with the rest of the group. And so after one too many low back issues I pulled the plug on CrossFit.
A few months ago, February to be exact, I started to feel the CrossFit itch all over again. My routine was missing the high intensity workout that CrossFit provides and that I was used to growing up dancing and swimming. So, I decided to dive back into CrossFit. This time, however, I approached it with a whole new intention - I was going to listen to my body and not let my ego take over (at least not all the time because I do like a little competition now and again). And I actually found that the coaches were taking a similar approach - spending more time teaching the components of the WOD (workout of the day), encouraging us to choose a scale that's challenging but doesn't take us beyond our edge all while still embedding a little personal competition.
What's more is how my body is reacting to the combination of CrossFit, running, and yoga. The last time I did CrossFit I was sore all the time (this is still true the second time around) and incredibly tight despite regular yoga classes and post-workout stretching. The latter, however, has not been true this time around. I actually feel like I'm more open. I'm starting to think I've found that balance between flexibility and strength that is key to practicing yoga and any activity safely.
This second time 'round with CrossFit has really reinforced for me that yoga is so much more than a physical practice on a sticky mat; it's a way of life. Over the past couple of years I've become much more mindful of my body - being aware of the subtle differences from day to day and understanding what those differences mean in terms of what my body needs and most importantly honoring those differences. It doesn't mean I give up or stop something when something is a little off, it just means I figure out another way to approach a challenge; I can still push myself to my edge but now I just do it with a little more awareness.
Early last year I started CrossFit and I did it for a few months but I stopped in the early summer months because I just felt like I was getting hurt more than I was actually benefiting from the workouts. I was essentially approaching each workout completely opposite of how I approach my yoga mat - I was piling on weight even when I knew my body wasn't ready for it (in yoga terms, I was way, way past my edge) because I'm a competitive person and I wanted to be right there with the rest of the group. And so after one too many low back issues I pulled the plug on CrossFit.
A few months ago, February to be exact, I started to feel the CrossFit itch all over again. My routine was missing the high intensity workout that CrossFit provides and that I was used to growing up dancing and swimming. So, I decided to dive back into CrossFit. This time, however, I approached it with a whole new intention - I was going to listen to my body and not let my ego take over (at least not all the time because I do like a little competition now and again). And I actually found that the coaches were taking a similar approach - spending more time teaching the components of the WOD (workout of the day), encouraging us to choose a scale that's challenging but doesn't take us beyond our edge all while still embedding a little personal competition.
What's more is how my body is reacting to the combination of CrossFit, running, and yoga. The last time I did CrossFit I was sore all the time (this is still true the second time around) and incredibly tight despite regular yoga classes and post-workout stretching. The latter, however, has not been true this time around. I actually feel like I'm more open. I'm starting to think I've found that balance between flexibility and strength that is key to practicing yoga and any activity safely.
This second time 'round with CrossFit has really reinforced for me that yoga is so much more than a physical practice on a sticky mat; it's a way of life. Over the past couple of years I've become much more mindful of my body - being aware of the subtle differences from day to day and understanding what those differences mean in terms of what my body needs and most importantly honoring those differences. It doesn't mean I give up or stop something when something is a little off, it just means I figure out another way to approach a challenge; I can still push myself to my edge but now I just do it with a little more awareness.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Spring is in the air!
I know if I say this I'll jinx it but I am loving this snippet of spring, and I'm definitely ready for it to stay (my winter coats are stored away, I'll figure out how to make my spring coats work :)). I'm dog-sitting this weekend (my mom's dog, Oliver) and I took him for a walk this afternoon in the balmy 60 degree weather (the only thing missing was the sun) and saw flowers breaking through the ground everywhere. I'm counting down the days until the lilacs are in full bloom :).
I hope you were able to enjoy this lovely weeekend, too!
I hope you were able to enjoy this lovely weeekend, too!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Thankful for this...
A couple of years ago I'm not sure I would have appreciated or even have noticed this sunset. I most likely would have been running from one thing to the next and though I'm not sure I've reduced the number of things I'm doing, I think I'm running from one thing to the next with more awareness (and more willingness to stop, breathe, and enjoy the moment).
In this case I had just finished up work-study at the yoga studio (after a full day of work) and was headed to my car to meet a friend for a dinner. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed the blues, pinks, and purples of the sky and just had to stop enjoy and snap a picture (thanks iPhone :)).
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)