My Sankalpa

A couple of weeks ago one of my students asked if it was okay to share her sankalpa, or intention for practice, and I said, of course! It struck me then that most people think they need to keep their sankalpas a secret and I completely understand those who want to keep them quiet, but I see no reason why not to share your sankalpa if you're so inclined. Even though the group of ladies I teach are neighbors and know one another, when my student asked and then shared, I realized they were more than just neighbors, our group had blossomed into a close-knit, yoga-sharing community. Her comment also got me thinking about my own sankalpa.

There is actually a difference between an intention and a sankalpa. An intention is something that changes from practice to practice, more of a short-term goal; whereas a sankalpa is a long-term goal towards which you are working. For me, ever since my first apprenticeship during my yoga teacher training program, my sankalpa has been confidence, just the single, lone word, however, as I think about it, my sankalpa has permeated my life in so many ways.

Initially, the word came to me as I was nervous for assisting my first yoga class, but somewhere deep down I knew I was prepared for the class. I might not have had all of the answers (and, really, will I ever (no, of course not!)?), but I had been working, practicing, and studying diligently for the past 6-months and was ready for this experience.

And from there, my sankalpa stuck. It did, however, become more about my life than about my practice (though I know I used it for the first couple of classes I taught to help with the nerves). Being confident has always been tricky for me - I feel there is a fine line between the right amount of confidence and too much. I think my fear of being overly confident has, until now, caused me to be not as confident in myself as I should be. Confidence, for me, is more than being comfortable in front of a room full of people, it's being comfortable in my own skin - my size, shape, hair color, clothes. It's not being afraid of voicing what I believe in with tact, understanding not everyone is going to think like me. It's knowing when to talk and when to listen. It's realizing that the universe is pretty awesome and, if I'm willing, it will take care of me.

When I look back on who I was just a couple of years ago, I realize how much I've changed. I used to constantly worry about my weight and what I was wearing and even at times, who I was with. I was hesitant to speak up in large groups for fear of saying something stupid and I didn't trust that things were eventually going to work out. I see it most when I look back at pictures from that time of myself - I see someone who isn't entirely happy and who is trying much too hard.

Such a simple act, setting a sankalpa, but it's clear to me that there's something to it. The more you incorporate a word or an idea into your life, the more it becomes a part of you. And why not share it with others if you're comfortable doing so? I'm willing to bet they'll support you and your sankalpa in any way they can.

Whole Again

Last night was closing circle for my yoga teacher training program. As I walked into Moksha last night I felt like just yesterday I was walking in for opening circle, but it was actually one year and a month since we first began. There are days like last night when it feels like just yesterday I began down this path and others where it feels like it's been a long journey, neither of which I think are bad. It serves as a reminder that I've come a long way yet still have so much more to learn.

As part of closing circle we each presented our thesis projects. I'd love to post mine here but it's a bit long so I'll have to see what I can come up with. I knew my fellow trainees were talented but hearing each one speak about his/her project was so inspiring. I think we've each found our niches and I cannot wait to see what great things we all do. After our presentations, our teacher asked us what we had gotten out of the program.

At first, I didn't think I'd be able to put it into words and I still don't know that my words did it justice (particularly because I was a crying mess :)), but as I was sitting there a single word came to me - whole. I had spent the two years prior to this program struggling with what I hope will be one of the biggest challenges I face in this lifetime and I felt particularly torn apart. I felt like I had no control over my life or my happiness, but what yoga and this program have taught me is that I am in control of each of those things.

For a long time, I thought to be happy meant meeting certain societal ideals, however, what I've learned is that none of that matters. Now, for me, to be happy means to be completely comfortable and at home in my skin. It means being okay with my body, my mind, and my spirit. It means being okay with where I am because wherever I am is exactly where I need to be. It means knowing that everyday I have the power to choose to be happy and though there will certainly be days that are more challenging than others, if I can find one thing about which to be happy, I can lead a more meaningful and fulfilling life. It's also realizing that the happier and more peaceful I am, the happier and more peaceful those around me are.

And so, yes, I think I chose the correct word, I feel put back together or whole again after this year of incomparable community, support, friendship, love, practice, and knowledge. I like the word whole because it still leaves room for growth because I know there is still so much more to learn and so much more room to grow and I am just incredibly thankful that I have been given the opportunity to begin this work that is yoga and cannot wait to see what's yet to come.

Self-Awareness vs. Self-Consciousness

I've started reading B.K.S. Iyengar's Light on Life and the section I read last night spoke a lot about cultivating a sense of self-awareness by listening to and learning from the body. Things like this, coincidences, I guess, seem to be happening more and more regularly and I'm not sure if it's because I just didn't take the time to notice before or if there is some truth to the idea that what you think can really affect the events in your life. I’m going with it’s a combination of the two.

One thing really stood out for me while reading last night. Iyengar made a critical distinction between self-awareness and self-consciousness. They are two completely different concepts. According to Iyengar, "self-consciousness is when the mind constantly worries and wonders about itself, doubting and being self-absorbed. Self-awareness is the opposite of self-consciousness. When you are self-aware, you are fully within yourself, not outside yourself looking in. You are aware of what you are doing without ego or pride."

Practicing yoga with a mind that is open and observant and asks "What am I doing" and "Why am I doing it" is how we move toward a greater sense of self-awareness and away from self-consciousness.

Feeling comfortable in my skin

Something I've noticed as of late is how comfortable I feel in my skin. Despite growing up as a ballet dancer, I really can't remember feeling the pressure to be thin until I was a junior or senior in high school and then it continued through college and my first couple of years out.

I don't know that I can pinpoint the day when I began feeling really comfortable but if I had to guess, I'd say it happened within the last year or so. I really noticed my change in attitude a couple weeks ago. Some of the people I was with were really focused on their bodies and what they wanted to change and, though I know I'm not a toothpick, I know I take care of my body on a daily basis. I put healthy food in (and an occasional Girl Scout Cookie or ice cream sundae) and have a regular yoga practice. When I think what my body can do, what new poses it's been able to get me into, I can't say anything negative about it. It might not be perfect, but I know I'm doing all I can to take care of it and that makes me feel comfortable and confident in it.

What got me really thinking about this was something my yoga anatomy teacher said last week, 'Our bodies are like our favorite sweatsuits, our muscles just fit our bodies'. And it really resonated with me that night and I realized how thankful I am for finding something that allows me to enjoy taking care of my body and appreciate it regularly. It might not be yoga for you, but I hope everyone can find something that allows them to feel comfortable in their own skin.