I want to be a ______ when I grow up.

Sometimes I wonder if I will have an answer to this question. Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful to have a job that is challenging and keeps me busy, two things that are important to me in a job, but I'm fairly certain it isn't what I want to be when I 'grow up'. If I've learned anything over the past 4 years, it's that I need and want to work with people directly. I love interacting with people face-to-face be they team members or customers. And I want something that allows me to be up and moving. I am not a fan of sitting behind a desk and computer all day. If I've gotten anything right thus far, it's being in healthcare. I know I want to stay in this field, it's just a question of as what?

I don't know if this happened (or is happening) to any of you but I feel a lot of pressure to do, to be something, someone big. I think this is largely due to where I went for undergrad. A lot of the things I think about seem too mediocre. When I write that here it seems silly. The only thing that really matters is finding something you love, something that moves you to be the best possible version of yourself, and something that keeps you coming back because if you have to do it 8 hours/5 days a week it better be something that inspires you.

I always joke that my parents got me into this conundrum - they always believed in me and my every dream (I've wanted to be everything from the researcher who discovered the cure for cancer to the first woman president) and never once told me I had to follow a particular path (other than going to college). And so here I was in college majoring in Political Science and French while completing all the pre-med courses. I was all over the board loving every minute of it because I have an insatiable thirst for knowledge. And then graduation came and most of my friends knew exactly what they wanted to do and here I was without the foggiest (other than knowing I wasn't ready to dive right back into school).

I'm thankful for all of my experiences up to this point. Each opportunity has taught me something new about myself - that I love to give presentations (something I never thought I would say), that I love Excel and OneNote to the point I use them in my personal life (nerd-alert), that I'm a freaking fast typist (though whenever I have to type in front of an audience I always make mistakes :)), that not everyone is going to like you but you can usually figure out a way to work with that person, and that I still have a lot to learn when it comes to managing other people (but I'm working on it). And I'm hoping all of these lessons can help me excel in whatever it is I decide to be when I grow up.

I think what I'm most scared of is starting over. I'd be lying if I said a certain quality of life wasn't important to me and it scares me to think about going back to being a poor student. But I guess you figure out how to make it work and there must be some sense of excitement and peace knowing you've found something that excites and challenges you. So, I'm going to work on getting over my fear of starting anew, and I'm going to continue to 'lurk' as my friend calls it - recognizing what's important to me and what moves me and maybe, just maybe, figuring out what I want to be when I grow up.

My First Kirtan!

Last night I attended my first Kirtan with Suzanne Sterling. I knew it would include chanting but other than that I had no idea what to expect. To be honest, I was a little nervous and a bit intimidated by the whole idea. I headed to the studio with two of my friends and as were we walking to the entrance, we could hear and feel the sounds coming from the second floor. Walking into the actual room was like nothing I'd ever experienced. The group already gathered was in the middle of a call and response chant and the energy in the room was palpable. We found a space next to some of our other teacher trainee friends and I immediately felt at ease. The group wrapped up the current chant and then started in on Om Namah Shivaya, which loosely translates to 'Om, and salutations to that which I am capable of becoming/doing'. I felt the goosebumps forming as the voices, sounds, and energy resonated throughout the room.

We continued in the same vein for another hour (the first chant in which I participated lasted 30 minutes!) sharing two more chants and then had the pleasure of listening to Suzanne sing one of her songs. Sitting there in that room with some people I knew, most of whom I didn't, I felt such a sense of community and I felt so honored to be a part of it. And I'm thankful I didn't let my fear of the unknown keep me from that room last night or else I would have truly missed out.

If you ever have a chance to attend a Kirtan, I would definitely recommend it. Just give it a try, see how it feels. You'll never know until you do.